A Letter to my 17-year-old Self

I logged on to Facebook for about the 37th time that day.

Another marriage proposal. I thought to myself.

I must have been growing up since I wasn't immediately nauseous like the typical reaction I give these announcements. I was genuinely happy for this couple. My dear friend Krystal Hughes had been proposed to. At a motocross event.

How she always wanted it.

I smiled as I remember her grabbing my hand making sure I wasn't getting lost in the hallways of North Valleys High School when I was 17.

Jess and Krystal. Senior Sunset. 2006.

17. Ten years ago.

If I had forgotten, there was my recent invitation just inches away from Krystal's picture of her huge new rock to my High School Reunion that celebrated ten calendars of my youth being gone. What a reminder.

Ew.

How did that time go by? I realized a decade was gone, and I couldn't get it back. While this wasn't necessarily a bad thing, I was happy to remind myself that many things have changed. Some great, some I find myself cringing at myself reflecting on.

I decided to write a letter to myself at the age of 17. If I decide to have children one day (which is the other trend on Facebook) I would want to share this with my daughter to let her know being a teenage girl is the most awful and atrocious part of my life she will ever experience, but she  will learn more about herself through the bad times than the good.


Dear Jess,

17. Well, the good news is, it get's better. Maybe not all at once, but it does.

You're at an awkward age. First off, you're probably obsessed with your appearance. Well maybe not. You kind of just shower, put your hair up in a messy bun, grab your softball sweats and head out the door.

Classy, Jess.

BUT I understand how self conscious you are about little things. Typical teenage things.

STOP popping your pimples. I know you think you have the worst case of acne known to man, but guess what? It'll only get worse. I promise you babe, you will outgrow it. Until then, the continued assholes who make fun of your skin will one day feel bad about it. And in a few years that one guy who said "you should probably invest in Clearasil" will slide into your Facebook messages and ask you on a date because "you're a lot prettier than he remembers." Gross. No thanks.

You are weirdly obsessed with fashion, and the whole 'Abercrombie/Hollister' phase is slowly creeping up on you. But before you embrace the holes in your jeans and hoodie phase, you are going to deal with this crazy tomboy phase of your life.

You will outgrow it. You WILL eventually want to brush your hair and wear clothes that are more than sweats. Don't rush into that though. You never seem to stop bitching about how much your feet hurt no matter how beautiful or sexy those heels make you feel. Nicole gives you a makeover, and you turn into a monster obsessed with big hair and lip gloss. You'll do just fine.

Jess. C'mon.

I know you are basically only go to high school to socialize and play softball, but try to soak up as much knowledge as possible. Especially in Mr. Hoovers class. I know you may not think you'll ever "use any of this shit." But I can promise you, hidden in Hoover's lectures are life lessons. Don't worry though, you don't have to say goodbye to him. He won't leave or stop supporting you. 

When it comes to support, remember your ride or dies. Not all of them will stay in your life, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. You had some amazing friendships throughout your life. You may not spend every waking moment with them and as hard as it hurts to hear, you will grow apart. But when that person's name is mentioned, you can smile knowing they were there for you and your friend during an awkward time.

Most of them suck and eventually let you down, that's okay. 

"I would rather have four quarters than 100 pennies." You'll love this quote as you get older. Which is strange, because let's face it --- you're obsessed with attention.

Don't worry about Courtney Renee though. You won't be able to shake her if you tried. She's not going anywhere. She's literally calling you right now. Again. Because you didn't answer her previous call three minutes ago. Psycho. 

Oh man, is this the part where we talk about boys?

Well, I'm 27 years old now and I still have no fucking clue.

Let's see you're 17...So you will think you're in love a couple times, meet your soulmate (but it won't work out because that's life), and date plenty of assholes. You don't stay with those assholes though. Whether it's you ending it because you used your brain instead of your heart (okay that's never really happened let's be honest) or they just showed their true colors. You continue to learn your lesson, and that's okay.

He's out there.

Or he's not, and that's okay too.

You will become distracted by so many things from here on out. You'll change your major in college many times, you will think taking a random road trip to meet a cute guy on Hot or Not is smart (you don't actually do this, but you considered it), you will befriend a LOT of toxic people, and you will put your friends before your family.

Shit happens.

Your heart will break over and over again. It could be because of a boy, but not always. Which will confuse you.

How can I possibly handle another heartbreak when my heart wasn't all the way healed?

Life, like you sometimes, can be a bitch. EMBRACE IT. It sounds weird, but I can promise you, you'll come out stronger. 

You are very impatient, and that's alright. It's not always going to go your way. As a matter of fact, it rarely will. But you need to embrace the struggles you endure. Every time you make progress, a curveball will be thrown your way. And quit complaining, life is unfair to everyone.

Keep fighting that fight. You live a pretty awesome life. You have your dream job, you get to travel, and you have the most amazing friends and family in the world. Courtney even said you got hotter since high school which I will not confirm or deny. 

But until you reach that point where you can kind of breathe and be content, it's going to be an emotional, trying time.

And you're going to love it.

See you soon, beautiful.

-Jess

Life Lessons from a Sportswriter (Hint; they are no different from that of a non-sportswriter)

I ran into an old friend from high school recently and he told me he heard through the grapevine about my successes and saw how "great everything was going for me" thanks to social media. I of course thanked him and he offered to buy me a cup of coffee.

Perfect timing too, I had an article to write and the friendship I had grown with coffee lately would put him on my MySpace Top 8.

So we sat down and I tried not to be a total dick and order the biggest/"foofiest" coffee known to man, but the conversation was good. He then asked me a question that sounded familiar and the amount of times I had answered it you would think I had a script written down.

He asked me "this may be a weird question, but how did you do it?" In order to not make things weird I said "uhhhh my job correct?" He chuckled and said yes.

He brought up a story about me during my senior year of high school about a project I was presenting, it was on steroids in baseball (duh) and he said he remembered how passionate I was talking about Rafael Palmeiro and I made a joke about deflated balls before Tom Brady made it famous (duh times two) and I was instantly reminded that this had been about the fifth time in the last couple days people have asked me: "how did you do it?" They each expected an answer of: "education, interning, there's no I in team speech, etc." but I just answered truthfully and said: "it's pretty simple, I just did it---I suppose Rafael Palmeiro helped."

Mind you, my journey has been anything but simple, so when people say "wow you truly have it together" I laugh. If they only knew how much of a struggle it was and has been. But I can promise you it's been worth it. Every late night, early morning article I have written. Working for free. Every "I can't go out tonight, I'm in the zone with this article." Every eye roll I would give when I would be told my dream wasn't going to be easy to achieve.

However I'm not here to tell you what you have to do in order to achieve your dream (and I told him that) whether it's in your career, in love, in finances, in family, or any aspect of your life. Because honestly I do not have that answer; the best thing I can say is whatever you are passionate about, do that. You will come across distractions in the process [mainly in the form of people and a lot of people are more curious than they are trustworthy so be careful] do NOT get distracted, however if you do, which is inevitable --- you'll learn something from it.

I adjusted my coffee so the brand name was facing towards me. I'm OCD all of a sudden I suppose and I thought to myself how strangely [expletive] up life is, how unfair it can be, and how beautiful it is.

I tried to tell him some fortune cookie, Pinterest quote, but that didn't happen. He would be able to see right through it.

He understood where I was coming from, and respected my answer --- or lack there of. We said our goodbyes after exchanging "remember that one time..." stories [and then I remembered I did some stupid crap back in the day] and he hugged me so tight I remember my feet didn't touch the ground for a moment. He made a cute comment about how I "don't look like a boy anymore," but he was glad to see me so happy.

Naturally, being a writer I had to get my thoughts down.

This is the part where I say I don't mean to social media vent --- but I'm about to social media vent: and I thought "Hm --- this is annoying --- I question this --- I contradict that ---." And for what? I answered my own question: for no [expletive] reason. I could point fingers, I could beat myself up, I could ask "why" a trillion times, but it would just frustrate me even more.

But here are some free life lessons from my observations: 

• absolutely everyone in your life is going through something 
• loyalties can & will be broken by the people who promised you they would never hurt you
•  you will be constantly pushed, tested and let down
• makeup tutorials on YouTube are BS (whoever can perfect top eyeliner is full of it)
• you can only depend on yourself
• if you have people in your life who don't adore the difficult tendencies or habits you have or love you for everything you are --- get rid of them 
• I have no effing idea what Billy Beane is doing, so stop asking
• you can have it all --- and not feel guilty about it
• quality is better than quantity: you should have four quarters and not 100 pennies
• people will try their hardest to make you as miserable as they are; don't let them 
• and all things considered --- you have a pretty [expletive] awesome life.

I don't have all the answers you guys, nobody does. Sometimes none of your questions get answered, but there is always something to be thankful for; and those are the things you should work hard at making last. Do that, and I can promise you will amaze yourself, and that's something you will never need an answer to.

Being Single vs. Being in a Relationship in Your 20's

courtesy fanpop.com

There aren’t many people who have been engagement ring shopping one moment, then the next thing you know, you’ve changed your relationship status on Facebook to single.  (Then I immediately selected the “Hide from Timeline” button because you weren’t ready to face the world yet).  This is the part where I say I’m not a relationship expert.  I truly believe nobody in the world is.  If you say you are, you’re full of shit. 

It amazed me the types of relationship changes I went through.  Not just with the people around me, but with myself.  It was a complete 180 degree change from what I was used to.  Here are some of the comparisons I had to deal with.

In a Relationship: “What do you want for dinner?”

Single: “Bagel chips, hummus, and an avocado is a great meal, plus Real Housewives of Miami is on, I’m busy.”

In a Relationship: “Babe, can you do me a favor?”

Single: “This painting looks fine on the floor, it’s art, I swear I saw this on Sex and the City once.”

In a Relationship: Gain 15 pounds

Single: Either gain or lose 15 pounds

courtesy belelu.com

In a Relationship: “Ugh, do we have to dress up?”

Single: “I’m going to WalMart, I need to curl my hair.”

In a Relationship: “Should we bring wine to your mom for dinner Sunday night?”

Single: “I’m getting wasted with mom Sunday night.”

In a Relationship: “Do you mind keeping busy, I’m going out with the girls?”

courtesy essense.com

Single: “Let’s go out bitches!”

In a Relationship: All of your friends have a significant other

Single: Wine and the television remote is your significant other

In a Relationship: *take a picture of a shirt you found that would look so handsome on him*

Single: *take an “accidental” cleavage shot after touching up your makeup*

In a Relationship: “What do you want to do tonight?”

Single: “Sorry, I just took off my bra and pants, so I’m staying in tonight.”

In a Relationship: “You’re having friends come over?”

Single: “Bring wine.”

In a Relationship: “Want to get busy tonight?’

Single: “I haven’t shaved in a week.”

In a Relationship: 1 missed call

Single: 43 text messages, 3 missed calls, 17 Facebook notifications

My “lifelong friends” absolutely disappeared from my life the moment I became single.  It was as if I had a fucking disease or something.  I also had a total of eight wedding invitations greet me in the mail moments after signing my new lease to my one bedroom apartment.

However, I’ve enjoyed the time alone.  The “hands down my pants, watching whatever the hell I wanted on television, asking my dog for relationship advice time” to myself. 

I had this small group of girlfriends I met working at a famous lingerie store.  (I know I work a trillion hours a week, but at the time my boyfriend was playing baseball in another state, so it was just something to get the time to go by while I waited for him to come home).  These girls, my angels (perfectly nicknamed this), never left my side.  They met me while I was in a relationship, stayed while things got serious in that relationship, when things ended; and they’re still here now when I’m starting at the beginning.  The best advice I can give you is to find people like this in your life.  My family loves me so very much, and I’m including those girls in that category.  I’ve had some dark moments in the last year, and they were still there the next day to grab a cup of coffee and talk about everything.  They are my strength and my reason for motivation every single day.  When you find people like this, hold on to them.  They are invaluable.

on the road (courtesy favim.com)

Slowly, but surely I’m starting to date again.  I’m trying to have fun with it.  I’m maybe even developing feelings. It’s too soon to tell.

With that said, I want you to know, the reader (or just my mother and best friend who felt obligated to read this), I am a true believer in love.  If you ask any of my friends, I’m a hopeless romantic believe it or not.  I hide behind baseball stats and football scores, but you bet your ass when I fall in love, I fall hard.  I think in order to fall in love, you have to believe it exists.  And it does.  But you also have to be willing to deal with the bullshit and difficult times love introduces to you.  Romance movies (and your Pinterest board) completely screwed up reality for relationships and marriages.  If you think love is easy, you probably shouldn’t put another person through such heartache.  That’s not fair to you or them. 

Either way, life is such a beautiful mess.  I can’t tell you the amount of times I have been told I’ll never make it as a sports journalist, I’ll never get married, I work too much.  Blah Blah. Blah.  Who cares?  Talk a walk in my 4 inch heels, then you can judge.  Everyone should be allowed to have it all.  Sometimes you just have to wait for the right time.  That person will come in to your life when you are absolutely ready.  Until then, when you start thinking those negative thoughts about never falling in love, remember there is someone out there who is absolutely crazy about you.  That person could very well be reading this article, right now.  Or if you’re really lucky, she’s writing it.